I am so sorry for your loss, and not being able to grieve in the way that you need. Please stop letting others rob you of that. A young in-law of mine lost her mother some years ago. Her family, deeply religious, frowned on even crying because “God knows best.” The day of her mother’s funeral, after watching the third relative chastise her for being emotional, I took her aside and told her to not let anyone dictate how she should grieve her mother. I knew she needed to hear that.